Had a snooze after morning work n had a dream..

Was with ex's best friend and we was watching a movie. I asked about whether her n ex were exclusive yet. She said that they wasn't exclusive yet but were seeing each other. both just sorting their heads out over things. Then I found I was late for work. Ex come in and offered to take me to work. I went downstairs n he followed suit, I asked him how long they had been seeing each other. Before we split up? During the split? Whilst I was in midst of moving out n moving on? He told me that the wasn't seeing each other. 'She Told ME!' But he denied it all. I was fine with it till he started to deny it.. If I could see there was something there and he couldn't, how on earth can he get on with life with someone he actually suits better!?
I stormed out and he still offered to take me to work.. 'LIKE HELL!!' and then woke up..

Believe my mind is getting over the fact there could well be something there.. Even though he would be stuck in The Friend Zone.. lol
I've put many guys in that place before..

He has not answered my Q but has said that in his heart and head, we are doing the right thing splitting up.

As my heart has now stopped aching, I still need to know that he is not in love with me.. so I can finally get on with my life. If he still can't answer me that, then I know that he could still chase after me once I leave and make life harder to be friends with him.. I had this last relationship and I will not have it again! Will not go through that again..

But have asked him to tell me that he is NOT in love with me.. If he can't answer that then I know that I cannot be friends with him any longer. I can't have that over us.. over our friendship.

So have asked him to go through the house and place things that are mine in my room so I can stat packing up and moving out my things. All he wants he can take for himself.. Most of it won't matter to me that much.. It all reminds me of him. But furniture would come in handy. But won't lose too much sleep over it all to be fair..

Now the moving on can begin for me!

Had a dream earlier today.

I was walking back to my friends home I'm staying with till I get my own place, to find Someone was sat under the A14 bridge I walk under. Thinking 'Oh Shit!' I walked fast and found it was who I thought it to be. My ex fiance. He tried to talk to me but I explained to him that I was trying to fall out of love with him and get on with my life again. What life I could have in a town that reminds me of him...!

Then I ended up in my single bed n felt someone kiss me. I smiled and then realized that I'm single in my friend's home so who could it be!? I woke up startled and found it wasn't the BF of my friend (thank god!) but was my ex again!

Then I woke up.

I hate it when I have my heart hoping for things like that. It's bad enough when I walk back from work constantly thinking that one of the cars passing me could well be him. or find him waiting back at my friends place for me. I know that with me taking myself off FB has told him I want to get over things on my own so he has left me alone. But my heart still hopes that there is something there for me to hold on to. But my head knows better. Knows that it is for the best and cannot stand to go through this again if he was to chase after me.

Once I move back, that is it for us... no turning back.

Cried most of Sat night into Sun morning. Beat the bed, sobbed my heart out, begging for my 'departed' mum to take this aching pain away.

My heart still aches. Beating slowly in bits in the bottom of my stomach. I was quite happy to stay in my room, shut off from the world and everyone in it. Friend come into me and we had a good old chat. Got talking about good old times, Great times and how much family n friends back in Stafford miss me so and cannot wait for me to be back home. However much I can't wait to go back, I don't want to go! I am home.. well not living in my home but where I have made friends, my jobs, my potential career had planned ahead of me is all here..! However small and quiet this place is, I'm home now. And Stafford has become more and more astranged to me.
Haven't heard from 'ex' since I went round on Fri for few more of my things and to declare I am moving out officially. But did see that he is getting on with things now. Well, online anyway! He knows how to bury himself into things to distract, hide and cover up how he is really coping. I know him too well! That rug is getting mighty high with all that shit he is sweeping under it! Maybe with seeing he is getting on with it online will make me feel better about how to get on with life.

Still think that when he asked if I was going to move in locally so we could still see each other, might have been his way of saying that he would like to start over. Or more like I'm reading into it and he didn't men it like that. More of him just wanting to be friends. I couldn't stay around here. It's bad enough being friends with people he is friends with. or on FACEBOOK! We joined up there together at the same time. so even being on there is like being with him! So have deactivated my account for the time being. Till I get myself sorted mentally and financially. New home, job and life. All over again.

'yay'

Well, things are now over between me and my one true love. Yeah, I know. Couldn't be as we would still be together, married by now!
But things grow distant and life has to go on.

I couldn't stay there with him. It is too hard to be just friends, knowing that it could never be the same. It is hurting both of us so I am staying with a friend for the time being, sorting out a place and job back in my home town.
Is it bad that I'm hoping he chases me and tells me those words I long to hear from him?

I don't want him to be waiting for me. Or for me to be waiting for him. As we could be waiting forever. And find that it could end up the same as right now, so best we just part ways. How hard for us both to get on with things. Didn't want things to go like this. Or to effect anyone other than us two. But it has effected family and friends.

I have kind of locked myself away from others. Just work n friends I'm stopping with see me around and that is it. Really don't need others wanting to help me, showing sympathy or support. I need to find my own way through this and at the moment, I think I'm doing so-so.

Time will tell. Do love you, long for you, miss you, in love with you.