Jan 1st 2012 - SO WHAT!?

Cried most of Sat night into Sun morning. Beat the bed, sobbed my heart out, begging for my 'departed' mum to take this aching pain away.

My heart still aches. Beating slowly in bits in the bottom of my stomach. I was quite happy to stay in my room, shut off from the world and everyone in it. Friend come into me and we had a good old chat. Got talking about good old times, Great times and how much family n friends back in Stafford miss me so and cannot wait for me to be back home. However much I can't wait to go back, I don't want to go! I am home.. well not living in my home but where I have made friends, my jobs, my potential career had planned ahead of me is all here..! However small and quiet this place is, I'm home now. And Stafford has become more and more astranged to me.
Haven't heard from 'ex' since I went round on Fri for few more of my things and to declare I am moving out officially. But did see that he is getting on with things now. Well, online anyway! He knows how to bury himself into things to distract, hide and cover up how he is really coping. I know him too well! That rug is getting mighty high with all that shit he is sweeping under it! Maybe with seeing he is getting on with it online will make me feel better about how to get on with life.

Still think that when he asked if I was going to move in locally so we could still see each other, might have been his way of saying that he would like to start over. Or more like I'm reading into it and he didn't men it like that. More of him just wanting to be friends. I couldn't stay around here. It's bad enough being friends with people he is friends with. or on FACEBOOK! We joined up there together at the same time. so even being on there is like being with him! So have deactivated my account for the time being. Till I get myself sorted mentally and financially. New home, job and life. All over again.

'yay'